Ho ho ho best friend. Hope this makes it on our Christmas record. Unless it sounds bad. Not that that’s ever stopped us. K don’t delete this love you byyyyyeeee!

Are we always gonna cry on Christmas Is this the new tradition every year Are we always gonna cry on Christmas Should I expect anything different, anything other than tears Are we always gonna cry Li-de-di-de-di Li-de-di-de-di Li-de-di-de-di Are we always gonna cry Li-de-di-de-di Li-de-di-de-di Li-de-di-de-di La Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Dec the mother fuckin halls with La Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la The holiday season is a really bad time to quit drinkin To quit smokin cigarettes I’m pretty sure they’re not through with me yet Pretty sure they’re not through with me This cold, coal season is a really bad time to quit drinkin To quit smokin cigarettes They’re gonna finish me off yet They’re gonna finish me with La Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Gonna finish me with La Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-fa

I’m dreaming of a wet Portland Christmas Where the rain is beatin down on me I’m steppin into a cold and foggy mornin cuz Sacramento is nice and warm, sure But the sun just don’t feel right on the night of Christmas Eve So I’m lookin skyward for those rain clouds But the sunshine is brinin me down That’s why they call it sweater weather So we can hold on to each other It’s holdin all of us together That’s why they call it sweater weather So we can hold on to each other It’s holdin all of us together

I’ll wrap myself up in paper I’ll put a bow on me I won’t forget to write a letter And settle myself under the tree You’ll just have to wait patiently I’m all that I can give you for Christmas I’m all you’ll ever need See me there on Christmas Eve nestled up and fast asleep I’m all I can give you for Christmas All you’ll ever need for Christmas for Christmas And when you find me the next mornin Wearin your stockings on my cold feet There’s just no use in ignorin You don’t always have to see to believe Come with a lifetime guarantee I’m all you’ll ever want for Christmas I’m all you’ll ever need You don’t need those fancy lights to see ‘That you’re the only gift for me Cuz girl (boy) I need you for Christmas Yr all I’ll ever need

All shopping malls are harsh and depressing They make hands cold and clammy and eyes squint in fluorescence But still I can thrive cuz I live for your presence The whole season’s a scam and we cry for amends I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Let It Snow” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” plays one month too early I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Silver Bells” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” plays one month too early I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Joy to the World” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “Blue Christmas” plays one month too early I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Santa Baby” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” plays one month too early I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Carol of the Bells” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “Here Comes Santa Claus” plays one month too early (All shopping malls are harsh and depressing They make hands cold and clammy and eyes squint in fluorescence But still I can thrive cuz I live for your presence The whole season’s a scam and we cry for amends) I can hold your hand sweet and flirty while “Little Drummer Boy” plays about one month too early I can look in your eyes sweet and flirty while “Silent Night” plays one month too early

Time for us to sit down to dinner Find out who’s a saint and who’s a sinner, oh All lives matter not all men Trust the cops what was she wearin, oh And did you try not drinkin did you try that diet Just don’t spend yr money this is no time to riot, oh Fuck yr gay agenda tax breaks will save us Just be sure to act nothin like Jesus Christ, oh And I cross my heart that I’ll want to die I’ll stab a butter knife right through my eye and Push it until it hits my brain I won’t feel remorse I’ll just feel pain Twist it til the blood spurts out I’ll vomit on the tablecloth while you shout “What could ever make you do this to yourself?” Mother fucker it’s you Mother fucker it’s you Mother fucker it’s you So Merry Christmas mother fucker Merry Christmas mother fucker Merry Christmas mother fucker Merry Christmas mother fucker You mean nothing to me you’re just our shitty mother fucker

When the sun shows its face in midwinter And you dare to go outside without a fucking sweater You’re chilled to the bone both watching and being “Home Alone” And I just hope that I’ll outlive that fucking snowman And I just hope that I’ll outlive that fucking snowman I know it’s good for your teeth to chew on charcoal And that snowman has been seen with at least one vegetable in his fucking body His hat’s fancier than mine and the neighbors smile at him as they walk by I hope his life ain’t better than mine that fucking snowman I hope his life ain’t better than mine that fucking snowman When the sun shows its face in midwinter And you have the gall to sign up for yr workplace choir And as they ring-a-ling-a-ling their jingle bells yr well aware they’d just as well Like to sing, go caroling with that fucking snowman They’d like to sing and go caroling with that goddamn snowman So I’ll take a torch to his beady eyes Watch his sticky arms fall down to his side You bet yr ass that I’ll survive that fucking snowman Hell no man, fuck you Cocky The Snowman

Winter has come and we’re singin again We’re singin again for Winter Winter has come and we’re screamin again We’re screamin again cuz it’s Winter But thank God I only get seasonal depression four times a year Thank God I only get seasonal depression four times a year Winter has come and we’re singin again We’re singin again for Winter Winter has come and we’re screamin again We’re screamin again cuz it’s Winter I’m gonna drink cheap scotch Think sad thoughts And write maddening short stories And I’ll see you in the morning When I’m less drunk and less boring I’m gonna get facts wrong Sing sad songs Smoke bad cigarettes Get a new tattoo “No Regrets” Or maybe an egret silhouette But thank God I only get Thank God I only get Thank God I only get seasonal depression four times a year

It’s a competition who will spend the most this year Who will spend the most this year to prove that they love me It’s a strong incentive who will buy the most this year Who will get to host this year and prove that they love me But don’t forget to wrap up the receipts Cuz on December 26th returnin all em for cash money I hope you didn’t write somethin sweet Because the gifts are the best way to prove that you love me This Black Friday break it down, break it down, break it down This Black Friday break it down, there’s a line asshole! Don’t forget to break the bank When coveting thy neighbor's goods you only get what you take I think we mighta made a mistake Collectively we all broke the bank And so I sang...

I’ve got a thirty thousand dollar life insurance plan I’m worth about sixty times more dead than alive And I think I mighta seen this movie before Mary doesn’t want the moon, son, she just wants you Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon Mary doesn’t want the moon And George Bailey sang… Goodbye Zuzu won’t be seein you again Got yr pedals in my pockets as I’m jumpin off a bridge (Hey!) Goodbye Zuzu won’t seein you again Merry Christmas Bedford Falls Let’s not do this again

Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year I can’t believe it we made it another fuckin year I’ll make it clear to ya dear at times I feared that we’d never make it hear So let me hear ya cheer like La fa-la-la fa-la-la fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la fa-la-la- Fa-la-la-la Under the tree we’re drinkin whiskey wine and beer Flyin high glowin brighter than the ninth fuckin reindeer I’m in no pain dear and when we toast to the bro we love the most It’s okay to shed a tear here we do not steer clear Any clearer than any clearer than La fa-la-la fa-la-la fa-la-la-la-la I hope we can cry We can cry We can try Try our best to say goodbye It’s so hard to say goodbye It’s so hard to say goodbye Goodbye So let me hear you say it like La fa-la-la fa-la-la fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la fa-la-la- Fa-la-la-la Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year Merry Christmas happy fuckin New Year And Merry Christmas

It’s pitiful out there’s nothing I’d rather do Than slip on sweaters arm in arm with you I’m leavin the heater on all day for the next one hundred days It’s time to trade the sunburn for the flu Cuz it’s December 21st and this summer was the worst We’ve ever seen but we made it through the heat Now it’s December 21st and this summer was the worst We’ve ever seen now it’s 34 degrees forever